Fatherhood

Today Ethan had another surgery. This time the doctors were inserting a pace maker to help keep his heart in rhythm. It went very well and he is recovering just fine.

A few hours after he came back from the O.R. he began waking up from the anesthesia they had given him. His eyes would wander, but seemed to focus on certain things for a few seconds at a time. Sometimes those things were his mama and me. It felt great to have him look me in the eye. I felt as though he knew who I was and that I was there because of my love for him.

At the same time, though it seemed like his eyes were sad and confused. As his gaze traveled from the tubes and wires surrounding him in his bed to the machines and people buzzing around him, I imagined him thinking, "What is all this, Daddy?", "Why is this happening to me?" He looked directly at me as he thrusted his tongue outward in an attempt to get the ventilator tube out of his throat. It just seemed like he kept asking the same question over and over. ..."Why?" It broke my heart and all I kept repeating was, "Daddy's here, buddy. I love you. This will all be over soon."

It occurred to me at that moment that this might be a small picture of our relationship with God.

Sometimes we look around at our situation and, even though we know God is there, we wonder, "What is this, God? Why is this happening to me?" All the while God is there saying, "I'm right here, buddy*. I love you. All of this will be over soon." Sometimes, as in Ethan's case, all of the things happening to us and around us turn out to be for our benefit. Other times tragic things happen that benefit no one, but God is bedside there as well to see us through and to be sure that we are healed.

I think I'm beginning to understand why God chose the "Father/Child" analogy to describe his relationship with us. It really is a beautiful love that I have for Ethan. And how much more beautiful is God's love for us?

I hope I can take his example and be the daddy Ethan needs me to be.

Father, help me.

*Or whatever the female equivalent of that is for my female readers.

One Week

Our son, Ethan, was born one week ago today.

This has easily been the craziest, most difficult week of my life. I have have developed a capacity for emotions I never thought possible.

I love him.
I miss him.
I'm proud of him.
I'm sad for him.
I'm angry.
I'm humbled.
I'm hopeful.

And all this in a way I've never experienced before.

I can't wait to get to know him better.

To know what he likes and dislikes.
To know what his cry sounds like.
To know what his favorite toy turns out to be.
To hear him laugh.
To hear him try to form his first words.

Happy "one-week-birthday", buddy. I love you.

Ethan Saves a Life

My son is 5 days old and he's already saved a life.

You may already know that my son, Ethan, has been hospitalized due to a heart disease called Pulminary Atresia with VSD. If you'd like to catch up on the latest news with his condition you can read my wife's blog. She's done a good job of documenting his story there.

Well, during Ethan's surgery the surgeon had to remove a gland surrounding his heart called the Thymus in order to access Ethan's heart. It was explained to us that the Thymus is like the school house that the white blood cells go to in order to learn how to fight infection while a child is in utero. Once the child is born it is no longer needed and just serves as a sort of extra cushion around the heart. Don't worry. He'll be fine without his. The plan for Ethan's Thymus was for it to just be discarded.

Later that day we were told about a surgeon named Dr. M. Louise Markert that has been conducting a research study with children that have a disease called Complete DiGeorge. Complete DiGeorge is a condition in which a child suffers from the lack of an immune system because they were born without a Thymus gland. Thier white blood cells had nowhere to go to learn how to fight infection. We were asked if we would be willing to donate Ethan's Thymus to Dr. Markeret for her research. We decided that we would be happy to let her have it.

Ethan's Thymus will be implanted in the thigh* of a recipient and the white blood cells that are created by their bone marrow will go there to learn to fight infection. Without this transplant, the recipient would be at risk of death if exposed to any type of infection including the common cold.

So, within this tragedy there has developed an opportunity to bring life and hope to another family.

Ethan, we knew you were a very special boy as soon as you were born. Because of this tragedy you're going through, you have the unique ability to answer another family's prayers. We love you very much and we're so proud of you. Keep getting better, buddy and we'll tell you all about this someday.

* Yes, the thigh. Not the chest. Somehow the white blood cells "know" to go to the Thymus tissue no matter where it's located. Apparently they're pretty smart.

Video Update - Our Visit to Triage

A letter to Baby

Dear Baby Girl... or probably Boy,

About a week and a half ago we took you back to the pushing and prodding place. We call it the doctor's office. They wanted to check and see if you had turned to make your exit. Well, you had! That was really good news because if you hadn't faced the exit by that point they were going to schedule to have you surgically removed. (Don't worry. It's not ideal, but it's safe.)

They had to break out the ultrasound machine to check your position and, since you were head down and all, your mommy and I thought we'd try our luck at getting some answers about your gender. Well, for about the first 60 seconds or so the doctor was saying, "I'm still not sure. I can't get a good picture." Then you moved and he said, "Nope. It's a boy." Your mommy and I looked at each other like, "What the...?" and the doctor said, "Yep. Those are gonads." (Yeah... he said gonads.) He ended up saying that he's 80% sure that you're a boy. So we've gone from definitely a girl to 80% sure you're a boy. It seems as though you're going to be a surprise after all!

Right now we're here in the triage area at the hospital because mommy's blood pressure has been a little high and they want to make sure everything's okay. I don't know if you can notice, but they just took a bunch of blood out of her. So try to go easy for a while and mommy will make some more for you. There's nothing to worry about. They're just running some tests.

It looks like we might meet you this weekend. If not, just hang tight and try to spin around to face mommy's backbone. I hear it's a lot easier for you to come out that way. Just looking out for you.

I love you. See you soon!


-Daddy

Prayer

Joye and I had a conversation last night about prayer. I think we brushed over some pretty deep theological stuff and we were both laying in bed half asleep. So these thoughts might be just slightly half baked.

Joye and I have been praying about 90% more lately since we've found out there might be reason to worry that the baby is not developing like it should. Joye asked me if it's okay to pray for specific things like, "Please let our baby be fully developed and without any malformations." as opposed to the more generic, "Please give us peace and strength no matter what happens."

Is it okay to pray for specifically what you "want"?

Is prayer somehow demeaned if it's focused on something that might make your life easier or better in some way?

My thoughts go something like this. I have asked God before to allow our baby to be fully developed and without any malformations. Not necessarily for our sake, but for the baby's sake. I think somehow prayer has something to do with your motive. The same prayer (or the same words, anyway) can be motivated either by love for someone or by selfish ambition.

For instance, I can pray, "God, please let our baby be fully developed." because I want him/her to be able to function as well as possible in this life. I don't want him/her to be made fun of or ridiculed for being different. I'm sure there'll be plenty of that as it is. The world is a harsh place even without having any disadvantages.

I can also pray, "God, please let our baby be fully developed." because I don't know how we are going to pay the medical bills for treatment of an underdeveloped limb. We already have no idea what we're doing raising a baby. How much harder is it going to be on us raising a baby with a malformed limb?

See the difference? When I prayed for our child to be fully developed it was truly motivated by love for our baby. I want to have a strong, healthy child for the sake of the child not my own. I know that no matter what happens we're going to love this baby and afford whatever it takes to give it every opportunity to live a long, healthy life. I just pray that God will be in there with him/her and guide everything to perfection for the day of the big entrance.

I love you already, Baby Mullis. I cannot wait to meet you.

A Letter to Baby

Dear Baby Girl... or Boy,

A lot of things have happened in the last few weeks. I'll start at our 28 week ultrasound. We went into the doctor's office to check your growth because you have a 2-vessel umbilical cord. (That's the ropey thing sticking out from your belly.) Normally those ropey things have 3 vessels but, don't worry, you're fine. We just need to keep an eye on your growth.

All of your growth measurements came back great. You were in the 33rd percentile for size and weight, which is pretty good. The ultrasound technician threw us a bit of a curve ball about halfway through, though. For the last few weeks we've been thinking you are a girl and she said that "now it's kinda hard to tell". What?! I know... tell me about it. You might be a boy!

That day we scheduled to have another ultrasound done for today. (That's what all the pushing and prodding on Mommy's tummy was earlier. Sorry about that, but it's kinda necessary.) Today's ultrasound didn't really tell us much more than we already knew. Your growth is still on target so it seems you're doing just fine with your 2-vessel cord. The doctor's final word was that he's "leaning" toward you being a girl. Leaning? We didn't schedule this ultrasound for anyone to be "leaning". We went in expecting answers, dangit! But, still... he's leaning. We also found out that your left forearm might not be as long as it should. I know right? "Might not" be as long as it should? But, in this case it's a good thing that they aren't sure. It could have just looked that way because of the way you were positioned. By the way, you're pretty flexible right now. You were pretty much bent in half today. You looked like you were trying to scratch your back with your toes! Crazyness...

Anyway, we are going to take you back for yet more pushing and prodding on January 27th. We'll check downstairs again to see if we can tell more definitely whether you are a boy or girl and we'll also check that arm again to make sure its growing the way it should. In the meantime, if you could go ahead and put your head toward the exit, that would be great. We can get much better pictures that way from what I hear.

I love you already. See you soon.

-Daddy